I realised recently I don’t do well with rejection; you may well be thinking who does? But I have a feeling that the most successful and happy people on the planet are those that are able to brush off rejection with ease. Be it from a dream job, a friend or from a love interest, being rejected can majorly bruise the ego and reveal deep rooted insecurities you may not have even realised you had.
I recently went on a couple of dates with this guy. He was unlike anyone I’d ever been out with. Physically he wasn’t my usual type, and personality wise he was even more ‘out of the box’ – geeky (which to my surprise I found pretty attractive) but creative and with what seemed like a decent level of emotional intelligence (shocking!).
We ‘met’ on happn after he’d sent me a charm. I was actually online about to delete it (I have since deleted the app for a second time) and although some of his pics were ‘better’ than others, the blurb he’d written was funny and smart and so I pressed like – men rarely message on these things anyway. Literally a second later I got a ping in my inbox and we chatted most of that night. Two days later we went on a date, and I was pleasantly surprised when he arrived. He looked better in the flesh (although looks aren’t really of any importance, if you’re attracted to someone that’s all that matters), was interesting, intelligent, and funny – although he talked a little too much for my liking. He apologised for his verbal diarrhoea over text after the date, so I put it down to nerves – which endeared him to me even more. Did I like him? I wasn’t sure but I was willing to go on a second date and see if that changed.
Our second date went well, he seemed so genuine and the total opposite of the douche bags I’d dated in the past. We opened up to each other and weirdly as it was only date two I felt like maybe this could work. Clearly all it takes is a glass of wine and some complements and my good sense of judgment completely disappears. A bit like him after he realised he’d ‘got’ me.
Why is it that men are so keen to chase you, say and do all the right things with no real intention of actually sticking around!?
When his texts became less frequent and he didn’t ask me out again after all this mumbo jumbo about liking me so much, I realised having been out of the dating game for so long that I’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book. The worst thing was, I still wasn’t even sure I liked him, but that feeling of rejection and being duped by someone literally drove me crazy. My stomach was in knots for days, I was so angry that I had given my ‘power’ to someone who had abused my trust. How could I have been so stupid!? I vowed to never date again, what’s the point I thought – the result is pretty much always the same. But I soon realised that I’m in control of how I react to being rejected. First of all I shouldn’t take it personally (well unless they tell me I’m a horrible person) clearly they have issues – who lies to someone to get them to like you only to disappear on you once you do. Secondly I need to work on my sense of self worth. When I feel rejected it throws up all my self-esteem issues – I’m not beautiful, I’m not thin, I’m not interesting – the list continues. The rejection confirms all the negative beliefs I have. Trust me I’ve worked on my shitty committee (read more here) but I worry my perfectionism and the resulting dislike of myself runs so deep that I won’t ever rid myself of those demons.
And perhaps thats why it hurts so much, because if you can only accept yourself when someone else validates you, you won’t fare well when that validation is taken away. Which is why I need to make more of a effort to love myself, not to ignore my issues by avoiding myself in the mirror or by closing myself off from men – but to keep telling myself that I am enough just the way I am and believe it. So the next time I meet someone who treats me like crap I won’t end up feeling like crap too.