Sometimes I wonder whether I’m jinxed when it comes to my love life. Why? Well I seem to constantly attract people who are unavailable. Either they’re not single or simply emotionally unavailable; either way my relationship history is dotted with these types of men.
There’s been the flirty co-worker who failed to mention he had a girlfriend for a good three months, the guy who asked me out on a dinner date and then dropped the bombshell that he wasn’t single over the main course. The one I dated for 6 months, who didn’t want a girlfriend but forgot to tell me that when we first met. The list is endless, the stories vary, but the outcome is always the same. My heart is left more bruised after each encounter, my confidence a little more chipped away and the flame of hope that I started with is reduced to a mere flicker.
How do I get myself into these situations? What is it about me that screams ‘if you’re unavailable (in any way) I’m your gal!’. After yet another disappointment I seriously wanted answers. Do I have major bad luck, or is it something else? My first thought was that perhaps I’m putting something out there that would make these men think I’d be receptive to their advances. Maybe my insecurities aren’t as hidden as I thought they were, does that make me an easier target? Or maybe I’m just not good enough to be someone’s first choice.
As my self doubt spiralled I searched for answers and was surprised by what I learnt. In actual fact it’s more than likely that my independent spirit, my outer confidence, my zest for life, my exciting job, my can do attitude, my intelligence, and the idea that I don’t need them, makes women like me attractive to these men.
But why had I persevered in relationships with men that were clearly emotionally unavailable or found it hard to move on from someone when I’ve discovered they weren’t single?
Here are some insights that resonated most with me…
1. They confirm negative self beliefs
Unavailable men have an inability to get close to you. They are unable to give you the love that you want, but think you don’t deserve because deep down for whatever reason you feel unlovable. You repeat these types of relationships because of a lack of self-esteem. Even though you yearn for a healthy relationship, it would actually shatter your whole belief system, making you reassess everything that you’ve believed to be true about yourself – which is why you find yourself repeating this pattern.
2. You fear rejection
On an unconscious level you fear rejection. It may be surprising to hear that we attract partners at our common level of woundedness or health. So you may well be as emotionally unavailable as the men who pursue you. Unconsciously your own fear of commitment and the rejection you believe you will experience means you feel safer in a relationship with someone who will never commit to you.
3. You need to be needed
You may often fall into the healer category. A great listener and advice giver who is loyal and supportive. Unavailable men often need ‘fixing’ and you are drawn to them because of your need to be needed. When someone relies on you to lift them up, you become indispensable – or so you think. In actual fact, you are often the person they come to for an ‘attention fix’ and disappear when you’ve built them back up.
By recognising the signs and pushing past my own relationship fears I’m determined to break the cycle. Here’s hoping I get it right next time.
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